Creating as an AuDHD Artist

Surprise! It is true I am an AuDHDer. Or maybe not surprise because apparently some of my close circle read it from a mile away. I didn't know how my brain worked until I was 30... which is a bit of a mindf*ck. And well that helped me figure out what I need to be mindful of for me to take care of myself. But before that I was always confused and felt misunderstood. It seemed like I couldn't quite relate to anyone. So art became on of the clearest ways I have not only attempted understood myself.

I am many things but being an Autistic and ADHD creative explains a lot of my work; how I move through the world, how I process information, and how I create.

Before I was aware of my AuDHD-ness

I usually felt like this when people talked to me

Before I was aware of my AuDHD-ness, I thought my personal relationship with art was simply about escape. I thought I was making things because I wanted to avoid the world around me.

In some ways, that was true, art did give me somewhere to go when life felt like it was too much. But again, I wouldn't have been able to tell you that. In fact I had no idea I made the things that I did.

I would often be asked what the inspiration was of creating the piece was and I would just draw a blank. I just couldn't begin to explain that I felt like my Cyclops or how sometimes I had an intense feeling of (metaphorically) being dismembered because of course, the question would then become "why" and that's where you would have lost me. How am I supposed to explain that I was always picked a part because of my differences? Afterall, I seemed "normal" and "well-adjusted".

Or how do I explain that I think hand structure is neat so I spend a frivolous amount of time thinking about how hands work so that turns into a rabbit hole of desiring to understand anatomical structures and neurology. I'm obsessed! But sitting at a booth and explaining that obsession to someone who doesn't know me, will usually freak them out. And that happened a lot-- and I quickly learned that that's not good for business.

After I was aware of my AuDHD-ness

Long story short, around 2023 I hit my breaking point and was struggling with the demands of life-- which meant that I couldn't make art anymore. I got so burnt out that I stopped painting or even thinking about painting. Again, I wouldn't have been able to tell you why I hit that breaking point because I had no Idea about autistic burnout. At that point I only knew about my ADHD. So I was just as confused as the next guy as to why I crashed and burned and why I got "stuck".

Without diving into too much detail, I spent the last three years trying to sort me out. Because while the adderall helped, it didn't "fix me" like I had hoped. I really thought I'd be normal after that and all it did was make me weirder(its a joke, kinda). Essentially, what adderall helped me do was unmask the ADHD part of me and let the Autism shine through.

So yeah I was extra confused when I started noticing things that bothered me more.

Adderall slowed down the speed of my thoughts where I started noticing how certain fabrics made my skin crawl, how much I hate overhead lights, and how I could literally hear EVERYTHING. I became painfully aware of my skin suit and that was not fun. The last three years became a crisis but I chose to keep it to myself and my close circle. I told the fans that I was simply too busy at the moment to keep creating (which wasn't entirely a lie, I was in school). So after many hours spent in doctor visits, genetic testing, and etc.-- I was finally encouraged to take an Autism test (by a very observant client I randomly chatted with). And that was the start of my 2026. I burst into tears. Not for any other reason other than everything started making sense.

The signs were always there

For the record, I didn't change because I became aware and I am definitely not ashamed of who I am. What this did for me was give me peace about something I always knew and gave me a new found understanding of how my brain works. Being neurodivergent isn't death sentence or a misery. It is simply a processing difference.

I'm still a really smart and talented cookie.

I'm still a silly goose.

And yes, I'm still that b*tch.

All this testing did for me was arm me with language and understanding of my life. Like I used to doodle and make origami in school all the time. When I think back to the moments on why I would do those things, it was because it helped me pay attention and I could look away from the bright, bright overhead lights. Art making gave me something to focus on and stim.

There are dozens of other examples of how I used art as regulation and to be my authentic self. I did not know that was what I was doing but I just knew that creating helped. I knew that making things made me feel normal.

What I Know Now & Moving Forward

What I know now is that being an AuDHD artist is not separate from my work. It shapes how I notice details, obsess over ideas, return to certain symbols, and move between mediums. It shapes my relationship with color, sound, texture, repetition, memory, and emotion. It also shapes my capacity. Gone are the days where I'm creating like a machine.

I am still sorting myself out. I don't fully know how to care for myself or how to fully unmask. I refuse to abandon myself in order to be understood. But I know this: Art has always been one of the ways I return to myself. And I'm going to paint again and be the person I have been this entire time.